This is the story of how a dedicated peer supporter helped me to go through one of the hardest times in my life, battling with depression and suicidal feelings.

How I Got Sick

Things have been difficult for me since 2010 when I lost my grandma, the woman who raised me. It got worse when another grievous event happened in early 2013. I spiraled into a deep depression, and became suicidal by the end of 2013. The mental pain was unbearable, I was in anguish.

Logically, I knew I was sick, and I DID try to find help. I went to a doctor to look for help. Now mind you, he’s not just a doctor, he is a senior GP who’s quite famous in Malang. I went to see him and I told him that I was suicidal and needed help.

Believe it or not, this is how he responded. He looked at me and said, “But you don’t look suicidal to me!”

As I looked at him in disbelief, he continued saying “You should be grateful and think happy thoughts. Be positive!. Don’t worry about it. It’s just all in your head.”

Well.. he was right about one thing. It IS in my head. Depression is a sickness of the brain.

It was extremely hard to find help and support in Malang. Nobody understoood what I was going through. My sickness got worse and during my darkest times, at the deepest of my depression period, I used to hear voices; … voices that told me that there was no hope, that I would never get better, voices that told me death is the only way out of the pain, voices that told me that my family would be better of without me.

I almost gave up … then I remembered when I was living in Canada, the college I went to has a peer support system, where struggling students can ask for support to volunteer peer supporters. But this is Malang, not Vancouver. There’s no such thing here.

I couldn’t find any counseling or therapy services in Malang at that time, so I tried the internet. I found a website that offered free, anonymous, online chat sessions for people struggling with depression.

I signed up to the service and started talking with the people on that website. Unfortunately, as the service was not regulated, people on both sides were anonymous and there weren’t always people available to talk. So that was not helpful. For months I suffered with mental anguish and a severe sense of isolation.

In August 2014, I read the news of Robin Williams’s death by suicide. What struck me was realizing that instead for feeling shock or disbelief, I understood. I said to myself, “Yes, I get it. I understand why you did it.” That was the moment I realized that something was really wrong with me. I went to see a psychiatrist the next day.

The Battle

The first psychiatrist I saw just tried to medicate me, without a thorough examination and it was a disaster! I got sicker as the result. I became determined to find the right treatment and became persistent in looking for the right doctor. Thankfully a friend, who is a neurologist, referred me to a psychiatrist, who was a perfect fit. He is a very knowledgeable doctor, and more importantly, he is willing to work with his patients to work out the right treatment.

The Challenge

One of the problems with mental illness is that, often you don’t get “better” right away. I experienced a large range of side effects from the medications we were trying. The doctor needed to keep changing the prescription and we didn’t seem to be getting anywhere. I became so frustrated, it seemed that nothing we tried would work and I began to despair.

My family knew that I was sick, but they didn’t know how to support me. At the time my job is teaching in a local university. I was still functioning, and, though incredibly hard, I was able to work. But other than that, I withdrew from the world.

How I Got My Peer Support

As a lecturer, mentoring students on their projects was part of my job. One day, a student came to see me to discuss about her project. We started talking but she seemed very distraught. I asked her if she’s okay when she started crying. She told me that she just got the news that her friend died of suicide. “I don’t understand Miss, he had everything! He’s smart, popular, and his family is very rich. He always seemed to be happy. Why did he do that?” she said sobbing. I didn’t have the answer.

I couldn’t focus for the rest of the day. The image stayed with me. I went out on the lunch break to a nearby mall. There I was pacing among people, feeling sick to my stomach thinking about the conversation, when I heard my phone ping.

Earlier that week, I placed a chat request with a chat buddy on that depression support website, but I haven’t heard back from that person, until that afternoon.

There was a message on my phone from him apologizing for the late reply because of his work schedule. He asked me how I was. I said, “Terrible”. I continued to tell him about the dead student and how upset and helpless I felt about the situation. He listened patiently, didn’t offer unsolicited advice; just being there and listening like an old friend. I felt better after talking.

Over the weeks, we built a connection. With him I felt safe to talk. He was always respectful and polite. He was dependable. I told him about my depression and even my suicidal thoughts, and he listened without judgment. He was my peer support.

Going into 2015, my battle with depression continued. Recovery felt impossible. At times I felt like I made one step forward just to make two steps back. My cognition and the executive functions of my brain were declining. My short term memory got severely affected.

There were so many times I wanted to give up. But I didn’t, because my peer support was always there, cheering me on. He would listen to my venting, made jokes, sending funny pictures or just talked about whatever. He always knew how to make me laugh.

Hitting Rock Bottom

My brain condition got so bad that year, that teaching and mentoring were challenging. I also started to get anxiety on top of my depression, which made things worse.

I still remember that day; I stood in front of the class, was just going to start the lecture, when my brain went blank. I couldn’t remember anything about the lecture! Another lecturer had to take over my class.

I was crying on the way home. My brain was something I could always depend on. I was an honor student, the top graduate of my class, I won a full scholarship to a graduate program in Canada; and yet there I was, couldn’t even remember anything about the subject that was going to teach to my class.

I felt so low; I just can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I started believing that my brain will never get better.

That’s when I heard my phone ping. It was my peer asking me how my day went. I told him what happened, but I didn’t tell him that I was in despair. We had been talking for several months by then, and he seemed to know when things didn’t go right.

He never gave me unsolicited advice before, but that day he said, “Just remember why you started in the first place. Pick yourself up and keep going”. And I did.

The presence of my peer support was what kept me alive during those dark days. When I woke up in the morning, I knew I would find something that would make me laugh when I turned on my phone. I had something to look forward to everyday. It’s surprising how powerful empathy can be. Just knowing that someone cares made all the difference.

Getting Better

After months of trial and error, we figured out the right combination of medications and dosage for my brain condition. It turned out that I suffer from Bipolar Type 2, not just a regular (unipolar) depression. Later on I was also diagnosed with ADHD, the inattentive type.

As my depression lessened and my brain health increased, my cognition and executive functions started to recover. It took a couple more years to regain my full brain functions.

I am now in full recovery. I enjoy my work; mentoring budding entrepreneurs, helping schools develop curriculum for their entrepreneurship program, and doing my old hobby, designing UX/UI for websites. Note: I just learned that the group of students I mentored with a colleague was chosen as <a href=”https://secangkirsemangat.id/” class=”bc co oj ok ol om” target=”_blank” style=”box-sizing: inherit; color: inherit; text-decoration: none; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-image: url(“data:image/svg+xml; utf8, “); background-size: 1px 1px; background-position: 0px calc(1em + 1px); background-repeat: repeat no-repeat”>one of the last 20 finalists of a nation-wide social entrepreneur competition sponsored by ‘Kapal Api’, the largest coffee company in Indonesia.

I am really grateful to God, thankful to my doctor and deeply, utterly grateful to my peer support. I was able to go through even the worst moments because of my peer support. Without his presence during those challenging, terrifying months, I don’t think I would make it out alive.I am not suicidal anymore, and I got better at managing my Bipolar 2 and ADHD. I still have them, and I will have them for the rest of my life. But that’s okay because now I work with the brain I have.

NOTE:

I finally decided to write this story and share it because I want to give hope to those who are now in the middle of the struggle. It’s not easy, but it does get better, and yes, there’s light at the end of the tunnel.